Symptoms of swine flu
Don't laugh. It's very likely that you've already contracted it and will be dead within a week.
- Headaches
- Chills
- Fever
- Cough/sore throat
- Joint and muscle pain
- Lack of appetite
- High blood pressure or low blood pressure
- Fatigue
- Seizures (rarely)
- Abdominal pain, gas and diarrhea
- Acne
Of course all of these are just symptoms of the common flu. Once you start craving truffles and snorting like a pig, you're done for.
Progress of the Illness
Swine flu is known to have four stages (five if you count the postmortem zombie stage) of illness.
Stage one has no discernible symptoms, although the victim is walking dead. Blood pressure shows unusual variations, and “wagon wheel” incubator cells are present in the sputum. The flu is detectable through blood samples, and if it's treated at this stage, there is a 98% survival rate.
Stage two resembles the common cold, with mild symptoms such as nasal discharge, sneezing and coughing. A low-grade fever may be present. Many in this stage do not limit their activities; they continue to shop, travel, or work, freely spreading the flu. If you see a doctor during this stage, your chance of survival is 50%. If you see anyone showing these symptoms, be sure to exercise your second amendment rights before the filthy swine has a chance to infect you or others.
Stage three at the start may resemble asthma, bronchitis, influenza, or mononucleosis. The cold-like symptoms of stage two become more severe. The victim develops chills, high fever, swollen lymph glands, dizziness, weakness, and painful urination. Most infected in this stage go to bed or try to see a doctor. Late in this stage, the illness becomes more like pneumonia; a few show delirium, screaming "OH MY GOD, WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE, OH WRYYYYY!!1!" just before entering the fourth and terminal stage. Chances of survival are around 22% if it's treated.
Stage four resembles pneumonia, bubonic plague and, in some cases, hemorrhagic fever. Breathing becomes difficult and the face, neck and groin swell up like the Michelin man. Swollen areas turn purple, then black. The victim discharges much mucus, often bloody, and shits dicks out of his or her nipples. Fever is extremely high, and delirium is common. The infected in this stage are immobilized in most—but not all—cases; as in the earlier stages, any caregiver will be infected unless he or she is immune. Death is usually caused by respiratory failure. At this point, there is a 0.1% survival rate.
Bonus Round
Stage five is the bonus round where you get to come back as a zombie and attack your relatives.
- Reanimation. Yes, like zombies: it must be true because it's on the BBC's official site.
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